I’m not really sure where I want to go this evening, or what I want to write about. Kids are all in bed, I’m dying fabric in the washer right now, and I’m listening to music- hoping something will spark something to write about. I’m tired, but awake and in a good mood. I feel ambitious- but know I will regret staying up so late in the morning.
I had something strange happen a few weeks ago, actually I believe it was during Thanksgiving. I was hurting so much- that feeling had come back. It wasn’t just the normal, “oh this sucks” but the gut wrenching painful hurts deep inside your soul. I physically hurt. I was standing at the window at my moms, in so much pain, and I cried. I cried and cried and then I cried harder. I was saying to myself as the pain hurt so much, “I know you’re out there somewhere. I know now isn’t the time for us, but I just wish you could be here to help me get through this. I need you. I want you to hold me and tell me everything is going to be OK.” I felt crazy- I mean seriously I am nowhere even close to a place a life to think about dating- let alone marriage or anything- and here I am in so much pain from The Ex- that I’m actually sobbing and longing for my Godly husband to be in my life already. Oy vey.
I’m curious to hear from other divorced Christian women, when did God reveal your “man of God” to you? Maybe he didn’t, or maybe he hasn’t. I think I need to pray a lot about this- but praying for God to bring him into my life feels very premature. Maybe he’s already in my life? Maybe he’s just already on my radar? Maybe he’s nowhere close? Maybe he’s so very close and I don’t even know him.
When our worlds collide will I just know he’s the one? Do I already know he’s the one? Are all of these coincidences going to be confirmed? WIll it totally take me by surprise?
Well anyways- in the meantime I will continue on. I have a crush, but it’s just that- a crush. Like I’ve said 100 times before, I am not ready- not even close- to being ready to even think about dating again. He still needs a name for here. I’ve thought of generic names like, “Mr Handsome”, and while he is very handsome, it feels so superficial and my feelings don’t come from a superficial place. Guess it’s not time for him to have a “name” yet.
He’s not the normal crush- there’s nothing “bad” about him that’s attractive to me. There’s something so peaceful about him. I can’t describe it. He is peaceful, and reassuring and I don’t even know him. How the hell is that possible? I probably sound like I am flipping crazy. There are so many “funny” things- things that I have liked about men in the past- and ___ just kind of seems like the perfect meal from my a-la cart selections of past. Great, now I am referring to relationships as food.
This is where the real comes in. I mean seriously- I need to get a grip. He’s much younger than I am. He doesn’t have any kids. He’s athletic. An overweight 30 year old single mother of 4 is probably the LAST person on earth he would ever even consider dating. Oh but the common things come back. Are they really a coincidence? Maybe I’m just desperate and looking for things- just latching onto something. Anything. Anyone. That’s the last thing I want.
Over think things much?
Last night I had a dream that I was at the place where I know him from- and I walked over to him and just said, “please pray with me” Haha if I ever get to tell you the place I know him from- you would be laughing your ass off right now. Seriously. Why do I have this strong urge to tell him? I seriously think I am just flippin crazy. No way is that going to happen. I mean it’s got all the signs of the fastest rejection ever. Like laugh in your face- you are off your rocker rejection. I’m sure the “looks” from him are probably because he’s thinking, “what the heck is this chicks problem- why does she always look at me- must. Keep. Away.” Maybe he can’t read my poker face? I try to pretend I don’t notice him- or that I don’t get butterfly’s in my stomach when he is near. I hope he couldn’t see the expression on my face when I felt his presence behind me and I turned around and we locked eyes and it literally took my breath away- does it count that he was across the room? haha technically he was in another room……
This is ridiculous. I am ridiculous.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )